


Strangers to Ourselves

by Lady_Quill



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-01-14 06:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 13,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1256836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Quill/pseuds/Lady_Quill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Peggy are both struggling with queer identities, but each think they're leading the other one on in their relationship.  What happens to Peggy, once she becomes head of SHIELD, in a position where she has to hide from the people she trusts most?  And what happens to Bucky, when there's nothing left to ground him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing for the fandom, so please be gentle, and please leave comments if there's something out of character/ not accurate for the setting. I have ideas to continue this (hence the eventual happy ending tag), but it's still in draft form.

Peggy sometimes wondered if Steve ever realized that she was using him, if he’d be bothered by it. She was driven and ambitious, but being female made her a target for many things, whether it was jokes or being passed over for decision-making or coworkers thinking she was just there until she found the right man to settle down with. Looking like she and Steve were an item made some of that a little safer – no one would dare do more than flirt with Captain America’s girl. And Steve was too much of a gentleman, or too timid, to do anything more than put a hand on her arm or her shoulder, or an occasional kiss on the cheek.

It used to bother her that she only liked Steve as a friend and that feeling anything more for him would be forcing a romantic attraction that was never there to begin with. By all rights any girl should have liked him, and on paper he was precisely the kind of person she thought she wanted. But when she thought about more than handholding and talking, it didn’t feel right. Peggy thought perhaps she was just being too picky, but she didn’t want to go back to being single and vulnerable either. She felt a little guilty for stringing him along, but she planned to break it off before things got too serious.

Steve sometimes wondered if Peggy ever knew that he was using her, wondered if it would bother her that their romance was merely a pretense to keep people from finding out the truth. Of course it would, who was he trying to fool? Peggy valued being his friend because he was honest and open and treated her like an equal, not just an occasionally useful woman with attractive legs.

It’s not that he didn’t like her – he did, but it was only friendship, never anything more. He shouldn’t take advantage of her attraction like this; he was never one for appearances, especially in the face of bullies and discrimination. But Bucky was right that they should keep their feelings a secret, at least until the war was over and they were out of danger. Not that they’d ever done anything more than confess their feelings, but men in their unit had been discharged for less. Even an accusation could get them sent home, and if Steve wanted to help with the war effort then this was the cost.

Peggy was going through the storage closet late at night, looking for some memo that had been misplaced, when she found a dirty book stuffed behind one of the boxes. Clearly one of the guys had tried to hide it, and the cover was wrapped in a newspaper to hide the image of two women in their underclothing. Peggy spent all night in the closet reading cover to cover before she carefully placed it back in its hiding place. Everything made sense to her all of a sudden. She couldn’t tell anyone, even Steve, but she felt better, knowing there were other girls like her.

Steve was going to tell Peggy, as soon as the war was over, before she could even think about getting serious about him, so he would only break her heart a little. And after Bucky died, he wanted to give her a glimpse of something good to look forward to, even if it wasn’t true. The lie helped him get through the day and the paperwork and violence and the unbelievable cruelty of humanity. Peggy was the only one who understood him after Bucky, maybe even understood that he leaned on her a little more out of grief than anything romantic. But it still wasn’t enough of a reason to look for another way out, and then he crashed into the ice and it didn’t really much matter whether Peggy ever learned the truth.

Peggy had decided to tell Steve eventually, after the fighting, but then Sergeant Barnes fell and it was as if a piece of Steve had died too. He’d tried to cling to her for comfort, but she wasn’t enough to hold onto. And then Steve was gone, and it didn’t really much matter whether he knew that she only ever liked him as a friend and maybe preferred girls.


	2. Not Even at Slumber Parties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of Peggy's storyline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As before, please leave comments! Or anything you'd like to see in the future chapters : )

Even after becoming head of SHIELD, Peggy still wondered if it was a phase, something she’d get over if she met the right person. She tried going out with a few guys, but nothing sparked, and after her first crush on a girl that she was too afraid to act on Peggy decided that the idea of being swept off her feet and all of a sudden wanting to get married and stay home with the children was bogus. This was just the way things were for her.

At least Howard respected her. She knew she was the best at what she did, and she proudly demonstrated her superior fighting skills to anyone who wanted to openly challenge her. Not that anyone did; for all Howard said about SHIELD being ‘modern’ its workers still very much lived in the 50s and wouldn’t dare ask a lady to fight. Instead they tried going around her back when they didn’t agree with her decisions, or tried to keep people out of the field because they didn’t like the way they looked. Peggy wanted to fire him, but Stark said he would, so it would look like an impartial decision. Peggy was a little more respected after that, and the outcasts weren’t so out of place.

She went dancing sometimes, to feel the pull of the music and someone else’s touch. It never meant anything, but the movement made her feel connected, since outside of fighting she never really touched anyone. Most of the time it was fun, but whenever someone got a little too handsy she’d leave early, with a sour feeling that didn’t dissipate until she’d taken a shower to clean off the memory.

Meanwhile Steve was asleep, dreamless, frozen in ice.

There were a couple of girls she was friends with, but never anything more; she never liked anyone enough to really try. Stark wanted her to date his cousin, but she’d refused. “Come on, Peggy, I bet you two will hit it off.”

“No, Stark, I’m perfectly fine being single and I’ve no intention of changing that, not even for your cousin – especially if he’s anything like you,” she teased.

Maria came to work with them, and she and Peggy became fast friends. It was nice to have another woman in SHIELD who was ambitious, who thought of family as “and” rather than “or,” though she never understood what Maria ever saw in Howard Stark. For Peggy, SHIELD was her family. But it wasn’t enough. Whatever she did was never enough; that’s why she had to be the best, be better than everyone else, because otherwise she would never gain her colleagues’ respect. And just when she was starting to feel safe, like she wasn’t out of place, McCarthy took office and mistrust spread like fire. 

Howard Stark came into her office, and she would be offended that he didn’t knock, but he never knocked on anyone’s door. “Peggy, I hate to tell you this but nobody else is going to. They’ve put you under suspicion.” She’d been expecting it, had hoped being part of SHIELD would isolate her from the scare, but it seemed that was not to be.

“I see,” she said, and Howard sighed. 

“Look, you’re the best we’ve got, myself not included of course, and honestly I don’t care what you do in private, but if I were you I’d get myself a fellow real quick.”

“That cousin of yours still available?” she asked. Stark smiled, and Peggy had a feeling she was going to regret this. Not more than losing her career, of course. At least once this was all over they could have a good laugh about it – the time Howard set her up with his cousin because the government was afraid of her staying single for too long. As if that would somehow keep her out of trouble.

She still had to go to a psychologist and answer questions about her hobbies, her sexual habits, her political allegiances, but she knew what they were looking for. She wasn’t fooled by seemingly ‘innocent’ questions.

“No, I’ve never thought about girls ‘that way.’”

“Yes, I’ve only now moved on since I lost Steve – we were deeply in love and it was difficult to get over the loss.”

“No, I’ve never been kissed by a girl before. Not even at slumber parties; we’ve always talked about kissing boys.”

“I’ve always been loyal to the American cause. That’s why I was hired on.”

For all that Peggy complained to Howard, his cousin turned out to be a good sport about the whole arrangement. He understood he was simply there to stand in while Peggy was under investigation, and didn’t pry. It wasn't perfect, but it was good. She didn’t think she could string someone along again.


	3. Is it the same with you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going back in the timeline, to Steve and Bucky confessing their feelings (sort of). Other people have written this better and more fully, but I wanted to include the back-story.

Steve was pretty sure his feelings for Bucky were one-sided. Even with his new body, he knew Bucky still thought of him as that skinny kid he grew up with. Before the war there was simply too much to worry about with his health and paying for food and rent to focus on feelings like that. Besides, Bucky was his best friend, and Steve didn’t want to risk that by hoping for something more. They’d gotten awfully close to kissing a couple of times, but shrugged it off as friendship.

He liked to draw Bucky, who mostly didn’t mind being an impromptu model. Steve loved drawing people, especially when they sat still, so he could practice their expressions and postures. Bucky was different, though. Steve would draw him constantly, knowing he’d never get the proportions quite right, never quite replicate his features with enough accuracy so Bucky could see what he looked like through Steve’s eyes: stubborn, brave, a little arrogant, and fiercely protective.

Even after Bucky went off to war and Steve got the serum, he kept drawing Bucky. He didn’t want the memories to fade.

Then Steve found out Bucky had been taken, and they formed the Howling Commandos, and there wasn’t much time for him to draw anymore. It was alright, though, because Bucky was with him, and he’d been given a body that would allow him to protect his friend as much as Bucky had protected him.

Now they were bunking two to a tent, quiet for a change. Steve suspected it wouldn’t last but he hoped any surprises would wait another day. He finished the first shift on watch and walked to the tent he shared with Bucky, and as he opened the flap his breath caught in his throat. Bucky had laid Steve’s sketches out on his bed, some of Peggy and a few drawings of the showgirls he performed with, but most of them were Bucky. He looked at Steve, as though trying to read his expression, but all he said was, “Me too.”

Steve tried to keep his face neutral. Surely Bucky didn’t know, didn’t mean what Steve thought (hoped) he might be implying. “Yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah. I have… for a while actually.” Steve nodded, like he understood. “Shit, Steve, you know I can’t just come out and say it; please tell me you… that you’re… that it’s the same, with you.” When he didn’t respond immediately, Bucky tried to backtrack. “Because… if it’s not, then never mind. Forget I said anything. Uh, yeah, I should probably go, I mean of course you wouldn’t be like that, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Bucky, stop. I… yeah. It is. The same, with me, I mean.”

“You’re not just saying that?”

“No, I’m not… I just, I’m pretty sure I know what you’re talking about, and I’m pretty sure you know what I am. It’s funny, I guess, how we can understand each other so perfectly without words, but at the same time I don’t really know, because we can’t say it, and I’m afraid that… that we’re talking about different things.”

“You draw anyone else like this?”

“No, I don’t see what that has to do with anything, though.”

“If I had any talent for this stuff, I’d draw you like this,” Bucky pulled out a picture of himself asleep, without a shirt. “And only you.”

“Oh,” Steve took a deep breath and sat next to Bucky, careful of all the drawings. “We should clear these up and get some sleep.” They didn’t talk about it more, but if they slept a little closer together at night, if the almost-kisses became a little fonder, that was enough. (If Steve pressed a little closer to Bucky while he was jerking off, well, that didn’t mean anything either.)


	4. Somehow More Noble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picking up Peggy's storyline from where I last left off. I've been trying to figure out her character flaws, and so I came up with this conversation between her and Maria. Now off to write a new chapter to fix things so it's not all sad...

Peggy opened the door to her office to find Maria glaring up at her (Peggy was actually the shorter one, but she was taller in heels).

“How can you not see that he’s falling in love with you?” Maria snapped as she sat down on one of Peggy’s office chairs.

“What? We’re not… we just… it’s not like that.”

“Are you sure? Because I see the way he looks at you, and it’s more than casual friendship.”

“He knows I’m not interested in anything serious.” She couldn’t say too much, even to Maria, because you never knew who was listening. Besides, she and Robert had their arrangement, and Maria should have known about that through Howard.

“You’re completely oblivious, Peggy!”

“Maria, don’t... I can’t have this conversation with you.”

“Why not?”

“It would put my career in jeopardy.”

“Naturally,” Maria scoffed. “That’s all you’ve ever cared about, your career. I don’t know if it’s because you’re still pining over Steve, or if you really just hate other people that much, but you need to move on. Besides, you shouldn’t deprive yourself of one form of happiness just because you’re pursuing another. There are people right in front of you who care a great deal about you. Why can’t you give Robert a chance?”

They’ve had this fight before, in different contexts, about different people. Working alone in her lab Maria could afford to think that being smart and determined was what mattered most, that her accomplishments were somehow more… noble, being achieved in spite of her gender. Maria thought Peggy took advantage of people, particularly when she flirted with them to get what she wanted. But Peggy liked the high heels and red lipstick on their own as much as what those things got other people to do for her.

Maria thought it was selfish, where Peggy saw it as merely practical.

“Don’t back me into a corner like that. You know how hard I’ve worked to build a career here, be someone actually respected. That has nothing to do with whether or not I want to get serious with Robert.”

“Of course it does. It’s like everything you do is in a vacuum, never giving a thought for how your actions might affect someone else’s feelings.”

“Then maybe Robert shouldn’t have fallen for me in the first place. Did you think of that?”

“That’s not how that works.”

“So why do you think it should work for me?”

“Because you shut people out on purpose. I mean, for goodness sakes, you won’t open up to me about this and I thought we were friends!”

“We are friends.”

“You sure aren’t acting like it.”

“I’m not having this discussion with you,” Peggy said as she stormed to the door, gesturing for Maria to leave. “I have work that needs to be done.”

“Fine. But when you break his heart, just remember I warned you,” Maria countered.

Their fight left Peggy wondering if she was callous or really just that oblivious. It didn’t occur to her to doubt Maria’s insight into Robert’s feelings – Peggy was brilliant at operations but remarkably blind to emotional cues.

Well, she thought. Even if Robert was in love with her, there wasn’t a chance she was going to return it. She simply didn’t feel that way for him (not that she’d tried very hard, but she didn’t want to have to try). And there were some things she’d never acquiesce to, even if it would mean looking more normal. Maybe Maria was right; here she was thinking only about herself and not at all about what any of this would mean for Robert. Because… if it really came down to a choice between marrying Robert and losing her job, she’d use him if she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my issues with the 'strong female character' trope is that I'm not really sure what Peggy's weaknesses and faults are. She seems comfortable with her gender, and can fight just as well as her male counterparts, which is all fine - but I don't want to write her as a perfect character, or even always perfectly well intentioned. I could probably explain my feelings about this more clearly if you asked, but that's a little outside the scope of this story and now I'm just rambling.


	5. Someplace to ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another detour for Steve and Bucky's back-story.

“The ladies?” Steve asks Bucky one night, real quiet, after he listens to the sounds of everyone breathing to make sure the rest of them are asleep. When he was a teenager, he used to like Bucky’s stories about the girls (used to try and convince himself the reason he liked hearing them so much was because of the girls). When Bucky would describe wet, needy kisses that led to fondling and groping before the girl’s chaperone inevitably showed up, Steve would feel his chest get tight in a way that had nothing to do with his asthma. He recognized it as jealousy, but he thought it was Bucky he was jealous of, for attracting so much attention from girls who would never have given him a second glance.

It made so much more sense, once he’d realized it went the other way around; that all along he’d wanted to be the one Bucky was kissing.

“Sorry,” Steve added quickly, “I shouldn’t have asked.” Because, when he thought about it, did he really want to know?

“No, it’s… I don’t want to lie to you, and say it wasn’t good, because damn, some of the things those girls could do... but none of them were quite right. There was never any sort of connection.” Bucky reached out to grasp Steve’s hand for just a minute, let it go just as quickly. “I never tried to make that sort of connection. Because I was… there was someone else.”

To anyone listening, Bucky could have been talking about some other girl from back home, and Steve had to remind himself that they weren’t, that they’d actually confessed this thing between them.

“Figure when we’re back in the States,” Bucky continued, “you’re the one who’s gonna have to set me up with a girl.” He chuckled, thinking about it. Bucky was always more comfortable with humor.

“Yeah, but…”

“And you should keep seeing Peggy; see where things go with her. She’s a nice girl.”

“Bucky, I’m not sure I can lie to her like that.”

“Do you like her? As a person?”

“Well of course, sure I do, but – ”

“Then it aint lying, to say you want to see where it goes. Perfectly reasonable if, after the war, things don’t work out.”

“I suppose, it’s just – ”

“You can’t be much good to the Army if they’ve kicked you out, Steve. Not worth the risk.” It was low, but Bucky knew it might be the only thing that would convince Steve, who wanted to help with the war effort more than anything. Bucky had developed a reputation for charming the ladies, but Steve didn’t have that going for him. He would need Peggy to keep up the pretense of normality. And maybe Steve would surprise himself and fall for her. It would be better that way.

“Bucky, I…”

“No, you don’t get to be stubborn this time.”

Steve was quiet for a moment. “Okay. But you know I – ”

“Steve,” Bucky cut him off. The others were asleep but he wouldn’t let Steve risk everything for the sake of a few comforting words.

“I thought the serum would change things. Sometimes I wish it would’ve fixed that part of me.” He didn’t tell Bucky he sometimes felt like a fraud, that Dr. Erskine was wrong to pick him out of everyone to be Captain America. He wasn’t good enough, and if the serum didn’t fix this, he’d never be good enough. He didn’t deserve this body if his mind was still sick.

“But doesn’t the serum just amplify whatever’s there, whether it’s good or bad?”

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Steve thought about it for a minute. “Do you think it’s so wrong?” He was crossing into uneasy territory now, where it would be harder to make up a substitute for what they were talking about, but he wanted to know Bucky’s answer.

“I want to. I always did. But I saw how easy it was for HYDRA’s agents to hurt people, because they believed they were better than us, and that meant we weren’t worth keeping alive. After I saw how cruel some people can be, just because others are different… I mean, that’s the whole reason we’re fighting this war. I’m having more and more trouble believing that love is worse than all of that.”

“Love?”

“I didn’t mean, well, it was just…”

“It’s ok,” Steve added quickly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I…”

“You don’t gotta say, Steve.”

“Sometimes I feel like I should, like it’s not real unless we do.”

“Yeah,” Bucky sighed, “But we do know what we mean, even if we can’t say it, so that’s alright. First day we’re back, though, and we’ve got someplace to ourselves, we’ll talk about all the things we can’t out here.”

“Okay.”

So Bucky still chased after girls, though he never let on how far he’d go with them (he lets his reputation take care of that), and Steve keeps seeing Peggy. He still thinks it’s wrong to lie to her, because no matter what Bucky says he’s not going to marry a girl he doesn’t love. But maybe Bucky loves him, and maybe Steve loves him back. And if he deserves that, then maybe he deserves to wear the Captain America uniform too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading all of this so far! I'm approaching finals week, so there will probably be less regular updates (depending on how well I do at not procrastinating). But there will be more chapters : ) They're just in draft form right now.


	6. Halfhearted affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy's storyline continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long hiatus! I feel like I need to write something less depressing for Peggy after this, but I'm a little stuck, and not terribly familiar with characters besides Maria and Howard who would be around at this point? Any suggestions/comments/random thoughts just let me know : )

It feels like she’s failed. Even if it’s something she doesn’t want, didn’t want, maybe would have stretched out longer if it was her only option, it still feels like failure. Because she wasn’t good enough. Robert hadn’t said that, exactly, but Peggy knew she wasn’t, not for Cap to stay alive, and not for Robert to stay with her and keep pretending.

It isn’t rational. Robert wanted to be with someone he could get married to and have kids with, and if Peggy wasn’t in love with him, then it wasn’t fair to either of them to keep seeing each other for this long. She was never in this for “fair,” figured she’d simply be alone, but Robert got to have more than that. He got to expect more than just halfhearted affection because he was normal. Robert didn’t have to be afraid of losing his job or his friends or his respect because he wasn’t sick; he was everything society wanted him to be.

Peggy simply didn’t match. It wasn’t his fault that she couldn’t love him.

Maria was just finishing up an experiment when she heard the tell-tale click of heels outside her door. “Come in, Peggy,” she snapped, “what is it you want?” The door creaked open, Peggy hardly standing in the room. 

“I… I know you’re still angry with me, but I thought you should know Robert broke things off with me.” Her nose and eyes were red, and when she spoke it sounded like she’d been crying. 

“Oh, Peggy…” Maria peeled off her lab gloves so she could hug her friend. “I don’t understand you sometimes, but I can’t stay mad at you. You didn’t try very hard to make things work with Robert, even though he cared so much for you, but having it end can’t have been easy.”

Peggy leaned into her friend’s shoulder and cried, but not because of Robert. She was scared, of losing everything. Just because she wasn’t being investigated didn’t mean her job was safe. And Maria didn’t know… it was easier when she didn’t have friends. There were less people she could let down.

Even now, she could tell Maria, and hope for the best. But there’s still too much at stake.

“Thanks,” she said, pulling away for Maria to hand her a handkerchief.

“It’s what friends are for, right? To give you a hard time but love you anyways?”

“No, that’s what family does,” Peggy countered. “Or, rather, give you a hard time and make you feel guilty for your choices.”

“Oh, gosh, did they think you were getting married or something?”

“Mother thought it would mellow me out. She thought I should lie to Robert; tell him I was in love with him, because there might not be someone better. Besides, she’s never thought it proper for a woman to be in charge, and especially if they aren’t married. I just… it makes me so frustrated.”

Maria put an arm around her. “I just think you should allow yourself to be happy. I thought you were pushing Robert away before you even gave happiness a chance.”

“I know… but he wasn’t right for me. And besides, if I end up old and along I’ll come live with you and Howard.”

“Oh god, no!” Maria laughed, and Peggy joined in, and maybe things were going to be ok. 

But it wasn’t over.

Not everyone at SHIELD was fortunate enough to have a friend vouch for them. One of their new scientists, a young man Maria had just taken on, was investigated when a coworker claimed she’d seen him and another man holding hands around the office.

In the end it didn’t matter whether it was true. He’d been barred from government service, and nobody ever heard from him after that, or if they did, nobody wanted to admit it.

Peggy wonders if it’s a mistake to let her ambition tie her to this place. She hates it some days, hates everything, but she can’t imagine letting go of everything she’s worked for in her career. Maybe she’s just too jealous of her power, willing to endure her doubts and the loneliness and fear for the sake of her pride.


	7. Good enough to deserve happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of Steve's storyline, just after Bucky falls from the train. Warnings for guilt/grief and character death (except for the part where he wakes up 70 years later and Bucky is actually alive).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is such a short chapter and took me so long to write. I think emotionally this is the lowest point of the story, so things should get a little happier from here on out. This is probably the last we'll see of Steve and Bucky's storyline for a while, which means I have to figure out what happens to Peggy... comments, feedback, and ideas are welcome!

It feels like he’s failed again. Only this time it isn’t his country he’s let down because he’s not healthy enough to enlist. No, this time he’s let down his best friend, the one person who he could be vulnerable in front of, who made him feel alive and human when everything around them was filled with death and evil. It’s his fault, because there ought to have been something Steve could have done to prevent Bucky from falling. He was never really good enough to deserve happiness.

If only he had done something differently, he prays at night when he can’t sleep, God, if only…

Steve lashes out at HYDRA, and it isn’t rational, and it doesn’t make the pain go away. At least it’s action. He can’t allow himself a moment of stillness, because he’ll start to believe that Bucky’s really gone, that he won’t turn around after the mission and find his friend standing there, a broken mess but still alive. Maybe Bucky survived the fall, or someone found him and took care of him. He won’t allow himself to grieve for something he doesn’t really believe is true.

Steve doesn’t have a plan beyond revenge. Anger is a powerful emotion, and it takes the place of anything else that would make him lose focus.

At least Peggy doesn’t ask him if he’s alright, or if he wants to talk. She simply fights alongside him. They don’t have time for anything but combat and their mission, and Steve half expects to follow Bucky so long as he can take down Hydra, too. Peggy seems to understand, because she looks at him with something like empathy rather than pity. He promises to take her dancing when the war is over; he wants to be able to give her hope, even when he has so little. Steve knows her happiness isn’t with him. If he lives through this, maybe he will take her dancing, just to spite Bucky.

Steve takes one of Bucky’s old jackets with him on the helicopter. It doesn’t quite fit right, but nobody says anything. He’s Captain America, it’s not like anybody would be suspicious that his grief is for anything besides losing a friend.

There’s only one way to save everyone, in the end. And he takes it, thinking of Peggy and Bucky, hoping that if there’s a god, he will be forgiven his sins.


	8. One of those sapphites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy finds it difficult to let her guard down, but a new friendship has the potential to turn into something more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a while to figure out where this story was going, but I think I'm back on track! I've been trying to do some research into the leadership structure of SHIELD, etc., so let me know if there's something I got wrong. The only thing I deliberately changed was moving Howard and Maria's wedding earlier in the timeline, because I wrote this chapter before I realized my mistake.
> 
> As always, comments/suggestions are appreciated!

Peggy guards her secrets like she guards national security.

She thinks Howard is too trusting. He gives people the benefit of the doubt until they’ve proven they don’t deserve it, and he’s as free with information as he is with his wit. Peggy thinks it’s awfully nice of him to have confidence in everyone, but she can’t bring herself to do it. Not with former Nazi scientists in their employ. She doesn’t open up to people even after they’ve proven their worth.

Thankfully there is work to be done. Most days Peggy doesn’t think about the danger, because ignoring the consequences of being found out makes it seem less real. It’s moments of stillness she hates, when the what-ifs creep up on her and the fear of it all makes her want to disappear.

Peggy doesn’t immediately notice how uptight she becomes, by hiding. She had fooled herself into thinking that once she was secure in her position, once she didn’t have to constantly prove she was smart enough to be more than the girl bringing coffee, she’d be able to relax. Maybe she would live out the rest of her life single; having a career that’s certain would be enough.

But every day she didn’t tell someone, it chipped away at her focus. She started to eat her meals alone because when she didn’t, all she could think of was blurting out “I’m one of those sapphites.” Peggy wasn’t about to let that happen.

She threw herself into her work, but she still felt trapped and displaced; afraid something would slip out. She started taking her anger out on the new field agent trainees green enough to challenge her to a fight. Even Howard noticed. “I don’t know what you do to relax, Peggs, but you need to go do it. If you were one of the boys I’d tell you to go get laid, but… I don’t know. Whatever suits you?”

Maria pushed her to make friends, even if it was within their small circle of acquaintances. So it’s at one of Howard’s parties, less than ten people and most of whom know her from the war, before SHIELD, that she gets smashingly drunk.

Howard is with one of their friends talking about science, presumably, while Maria sits to the side, late enough in the evening that she’s happy to observe sleepily. Dernier is sitting with Gabe, arguing passionately in French with a bottle of wine between them. It was entertaining to watch for a short while, but Peggy moves to sit next to Dum Dum on one of the bar stools. After Howard, he’s probably the least judgmental out of the group.

She sways a bit, almost missing the stool, but catches herself in time. “Doin’ ok, there?” Dugan asks.

“Don’t worry about me,” she swats her hand at the air in front of her. “I’m just… dizzy,” Peggy giggles. Her words come out slurred and she’s lost some of the feeling in her mouth and tongue. She can hold her liquor as well as Howard, but she’s gone way past her usual limit. “I should just take one of them home with me to fuck. Maybe that would make me normal… if it didn’t, oh well. At least I wouldn’t be a frigid bitch, though, right?”

“What are you talking about, Peggy?” he asks.

“I’m never been this inebriated before – don’t tell anyone or they’ll ask me questions,” she says instead of answering. Her usual filter seems to have stopped working at this point.

“I think maybe we ought to get you a cab. You can thank me or scold me in the morning.”

In the morning her head hurts, and she stumbles out of bed to get a glass of water. The phone is ringing. She never gets phone calls on a Saturday unless it was for work, so she answers.

“Peggy!” Howard yells into the receiver.

“What do you want, Stark?”

“Charming as ever.”

“The point. You. Get to it,” she snaps.

“Need you at the office in twenty.”

“Make that thirty, and bring coffee.”

“You got it,” Howard laughs on the other end of the line, and hung up.

She’s had four glasses of water and a hurried breakfast of eggs by the time she gets to the office, and the special directors are filing in to the conference room. Howard arrives last, ushering in a girl with coffee.

“When will you start learning to make your own coffee, Howard?” Peggy scolds.

He raises his eyebrows. “Whatever gave you the impression that’s going to happen?”

Peggy is about to tease him some more when their meeting with the council starts. As the communication screen flickers to life, Howard leans over to ask, “If I ever ask Maria to marry me, think you’ll come to the bachelor party?”

It’s Peggy’s turn to raise her eyebrows. “Bachelor party?”

“You live like a bachelor, anyhow. Apartment looks just like mine except, you know, less science.”

“Sure, why not,” she says.

In the end, she doesn’t get invited to Howard’s party. Instead she goes to Maria’s bachelorette party, hosted by the bride-to-be’s aunt, a flowery afternoon of tea and pastel colors. Peggy just wants to leave. Maria’s family is there, and a few other girls from the lab, plus a handful of Stark’s female friends and relatives. They coo over Maria and whisper wedding night stories when the children aren’t in the room.

She should be happy for Maria. And she was, really, but she was a little jealous of the time Maria spent with Howard, that used to be exclusively hers. Not that she didn’t like Howard, at least most days; she simply didn’t think anybody would be good enough for Maria.

Peggy climbs the stairs to the guest bedroom, where everyone’s left their coats for the party. She feels a little guilty for hiding out, but it’s not like Maria’s going to miss her company. She knows somebody will have to come in eventually, so she’s not surprised when the knob turns fifteen minutes later.

“Looking for your coat?” she asks, before the woman has a chance to ask why she’s here in the first place.

But the woman sits down on the bed and replies, “No, not particularly.”

“Oh,” Peggy says, feeling stupid. She’s usually so sociable, but it’s been getting more and more difficult to put aside tension.

“Have you come to hide out too?” The woman holds out her hand. “I’m Alice. You probably don’t remember me from Stark’s banquet last year.”

Peggy takes the hand, hoping hers doesn’t feel clammy. “You were there?”

“I was dressed a little differently. I’m a pilot engineer, or I used to be, before joining Howard’s company, so I was in military dress.”

Peggy thinks back, and she does remember her, because while she looks pretty with lipstick and a green dress, it’s nothing compared to her in pants and a tie. “I think I remember.” Peggy isn’t sure if she’s blushing, but this woman, Alice, probably isn’t interested enough to notice.

Half an hour later, they’re still talking, and one of the guests comes to find them for the opening of presents. Peggy promises to give Alice a call, and maybe find a day for the two of them and Maria to get together. At the very least, she thinks she’s made a new friend.


	9. In the labs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky wakes up after his fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I know I said that the lowest emotional point of the story had passed, but I may have been wrong. There may be a few chapters dealing with Bucky becoming the Winter Soldier based on some limited research, and I'm not sure yet how dark they'll be. But I'm writing the next chapter for Peggy! So that should be a bit lighter in contrast.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments are always appreciated <3

Bucky wakes up with an awful headache and sore muscles. It’s dark, and he doesn’t know where he is, can’t remember why. Has he been captured? Is he alone? He tries to sit up but his head spins, so Bucky settles for turning on his side and opening his eyes.

He’s lying on a concrete floor, so probably a basement. There’s a light in the hallway, enough that the prison bars make shadows on the floor. But he’s not alone. It’s a small space, smaller than the apartment he and Steve shared back in Brooklyn, but as his vision adjusts to the darkness he can see the outlines of people. He counts ten, fifteen maybe, and tries again to sit.

“Ah! The soldier is awake!” an older man says, kneeling beside him. Bucky tries to prop himself up on his elbows but is gently pushed back down. “No, no, rest.” He obeys; he’s still dizzy, and the man’s voice is calming.

“Where…” his throat is dry, and it feels unnatural to talk.

“The labs,” the man says simply. “You were delivered a week ago. Here,” he holds a damp rag above Bucky’s mouth. “We’ve been collecting water.” He wrings out the cloth, and it tastes stale but it’s water all the same, and Bucky is grateful.

“Delivered?”

The man doesn’t answer, and Bucky wonders if he’s said the wrong thing. “They are saving you,” the man says at last. “That is good – that means they have need of you. A week is a long time for this place.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You do not need to, yet. For now, rest.”

Bucky still can’t remember, but he’s too tired to determine whether he should trust this man, so he closes his eyes.


	10. A little different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard wants to take his company public, and Peggy gets to meet a few of Alice's friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean for this to be such a long chapter, but the next chapter may take some time, depending on how much I procrastinate from studying for finals. Also, no idea when Stark Industries goes public (Google searching was not helpful) or how an IPO in the 1950s would differ from one now, so all mistakes are entirely mine.
> 
> Thanks for the comments and kudos!

Peggy carries herself like a soldier, and that’s how she walks into her business meeting with Howard in his company’s offices. She isn’t expecting the short, balding man who’s taken her usual chair in the meeting room. He shakes her hand loosely, without commitment. “Peggs, this is Johnny Clarkson,” Howard says. “He’s going to be handling the IPO of Stark Industries.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Mrs…” Johnny trails off.

“It’s Miss,” Peggy says brusquely. “Miss Carter.”

“Well, yes, as I said, lovely to meet you. Could you be a doll and get us a cup of coffee?”

Clarkson turns his back to her in order to continue his conversation with Howard, but Peggy interrupts him before he can open his mouth. “No, I’m here for a meeting with Mr. Stark, but I’m sure his secretary would be more than happy to get you a coffee.”

This is why Peggy hates outsiders. It takes all of her usual self-control not to punch the arrogant banker where he stands.

And Howard just laughs, because it’s funny to him that Clarkson mistook Peggy, a woman who could deck him without a second thought, for a little meek secretary. “Johnny, why don’t I show you out,” Howard says, putting a hand on the man’s shoulder and giving him a subtle push towards the door.

Peggy doesn’t follow, but she can hear Clarkson muttering as he walks down the hallway. It’s something about the gumption of women these days, and how it would be better for everyone if they’d just accept that the war is over, and go back home to their rightful duty. She’s seriously thinking of breaking something in this office.

Peggy closes her eyes, and counts to ten. She does it again, but it doesn’t do any good; maybe she’s been too spoiled, getting respect from her SHIELD staff.

“I know, I know, his personality leaves something to be desired” Howard says, coming back in. “But it’s just for the IPO, and I’m told he’s the best.” He sits down at the conference table to sort through his stack of forms, most of which now need dates, figures, and signatures.

“Why are you doing it?”

“What, hiring Clarkson?” Howard asks like it’s obvious, doesn’t bother looking up from what he’s doing.

“No, I mean the IPO. Why does the company have to go public?”

“It’s a reasonable strategy for a company at this stage of growth,” he answers. “An IPO will give us greater access to capital in order to expand our operations, and at a higher valuation that we’d get from private investors, since the stock of a publicly traded company has greater liquidity. And with the value of our stock easier to determine, we’ll have an easier time with acquisitions.” His speech sounds like a television commercial, like he’s been practicing this speech for days.

“Howard,” Peggy cuts short the monologue he most likely stole from Clarkson, “did you even know what any of that meant until this morning?”

“Hey, don’t blame me for trying to use the lingo. I really do think it’s for the best, though. The IPO will give Stark Industries more credibility. Not to mention that by offering employees stock options, we’re sending them a message. If they take a bet on our growth, they’ll be rewarded.”

“I thought you wanted to hire talent, people who love their jobs and not because they’re getting a reward. Since when did that change?”

“Geez, you know I didn’t mean it like that… I happen to like the idea that when Stark Industries expands its employees get to reap the benefits.”

“Are you sure you’ve thought this through?” she asks. “Not just financially, but…”

“What? Are you thinking the company will change?”

“You do know you’ll have to listen to a board of directors from now on, and you’ll have reporting requirements… a share price means you’ll have to worry about what people think.”

“I’m still going to have a controlling position in the stock, and since when have I worried what people think? I hired you, didn’t I?”

“Yes, you did, and I’m grateful, but you can’t pretend that things will work themselves out just because you want them to. I know you, and I’ve half a mind to think you’re doing this to inflate your ego.” She put her hands on the chair in front of her, gripping it hard.

“You know that’s not why I’m doing this, Peggs.”

“I’m just not convinced it’s the right decision.”

“Well it isn’t your decision,” Howard counters.

“No, it’s not.” 

“Fine, then.”

“Fine.” 

Peggy knows they’re partners in SHIELD, but not this. They stare at each other a minute in an uncomfortable silence before the telephone rings. “Why don’t we reschedule for next week, pick up with our agenda,” Howard suggests, reaching for the phone.

“That long?” She knows, as well as he, that they need time to cool down, but she can’t resist pushing a little more.

“Fine, end of this week. But like it or not, Stark Industries is going public.”

The moment Peggy walks out of the conference room she knows she’s overreacted. Going public won’t be the end of the world, and it’s not like she works for Howard’s company anyways. She won’t admit to herself that it’s a power play – against Clarkson, against Howard, against the things she can’t change.

She’s still on a bit of a high from her outburst and she isn’t looking where she’s going until she collides with a girl carrying a stack of papers.

“Oh, gosh, I’m sorry!” Peggy says. The girl looks up, and it’s Alice, from the party. “Alice… I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were there…”

“It’s alright. I was just on my way out,” Alice replies, picking up her papers. “I haven’t seen you around here much.”

“Oh, right, I… well I work at another building, with Maria, and… I mean since our organizations do some joint work, and I was just over here for a meeting,” she says quickly. The council still hadn’t agreed whether she and Howard should publicly announce their leadership of SHIELD or remain covert directors, so this was the safest answer that was still true.

“That’s fine. A few of the girls here are getting lunch in a bit – want to join us?”

“Sure, of course. Alright.” It’s not alright, because her cheeks are flushed and she feels nervous just talking to Alice, but she’s put on a brave face before. It shouldn’t be all that hard, she tells herself.

But the adrenaline turns into nervous energy when she sees the girls waiting by the door. They’re talking amongst themselves and she doesn’t know what to do with small-talk.

“Alice, over here!” One of the girls calls, waving them over.

They approach the group and Alice introduces her. “Peggy, this is Helen, Dorothy, and Edie. Girls, this is Peggy, the one I told about from Maria’s party.”

“Ah, Peggy, it’s nice to meet you,” Helen says, eyeing her up and down. She’s wearing a bright coral lipstick that matches her sweater, and her blonde hair is tied up in a bun. “Alice has been telling us about you…”

Peggy clicks her heels together awkwardly. “Yes, thanks ever so much for inviting me.”

“Never mind her,” Alice takes Peggy’s arm and steers her towards the front door. “We’ve only got a half hour for lunch.”

The five of them walked to the corner and then down another block to a small diner, Helen and Edie gossiping at the front, Dorothy silently bringing up the middle, and Peggy and Alice following last. Lunch was nice in a quiet sort of way; nothing like Peggy was used to at SHIELD. There she either ate in Maria’s lab or out in the field, though lately she’d taken to lunches alone at her desk. Now they were all fit snugly in one of the diner’s booths, talking about gardens and dogs and books, and all of the domestic sorts of things that Peggy forgot normal people did with their spare time.

“So Peggy, do you have any children?” Edie asks her.

“No, I don’t,” Peggy answers, hoping the questions end there.

“Why not?” Helen pipes in, “Aren’t you married?”

“No, I’m not married. There was someone… we were close, but he died in combat,” she says, using the same excuse she does with everybody. “I tried after that, but nobody else ever really measured up.”

“Surely you don’t intend to stay single for much longer, though?” Edie presses.

“I haven’t given it all that much thought.”

“Well, you should. The number of available men will only dwindle,” Helen adds. The tone of her voice suggests that Helen is perfectly serious, but Peggy gets the feeling they’re poking fun at her.

“Not to mention financial security,” says Dorothy. “It’s not like you can get a loan by yourself.”

“Now, girls, you promised me you’d behave,” Alice chides.

“What?” Helen pretends to be offended. “We’re all just curious – right, girls?”

“My friend is getting married soon, though,” Peggy interjects, hoping to draw the conversation away from her. “I usually see her more often, but she’s been so involved with planning her wedding.” She hadn’t meant for it to sound so bitter, and she hopes the girls don’t notice.

“Were you two very close?” Dorothy asks, with a touch of sympathy.

“Yes, I suppose so.” Peggy doesn’t see why that matters so much.

“Well we’re going to have to find you some other people, then,” Alice tells her. “There’s a club we all like to go to… there’s lots of dancing.”

“I do miss dancing – haven’t really wanted to go by myself, now that Maria’s too busy.”

“This place… it’s a little different,” Helen says, smiling. “But we think you’ll like it.”


	11. A Professional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hydra's new research facility has some guests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, to anybody who's still reading! Sorry for such a long gap between chapters - I just finished grad school, and I've been concentrating on applying to jobs the last few weeks. I'm going way off-cannon introducing new characters, but I wanted Bucky's captivity and memory-alteration to be a little more complex. (The next chapter will probably end up being a lot longer!) Comments, suggestions, random exclamations... please let me know : )

“Gentlemen, I am glad you could join us in our new facility,” the head scientist says, leading her guests to the chamber in the far corner of the lab. Dr. Schorr is meticulous in her research; she wanted more time before allowing guests into Hydra’s most secure research lab. But the new leadership needed additional monetary backing, or so she was told in a memo last week, and Schorr is a professional.

Her tallest guest, thick-rimmed glasses perched on the middle of his nose, speaks first. “We are especially interested in Hydra’s scientific progress, now that the organization has become an independent entity.”

“Of course,” Schorr answers, motioning to a lab tech. “This is the cryo chamber, in which we have expanded on our…” she searched for a polite word, “counterparts’ hypothermia experiments.”

“Those experiments merely tested the body’s resistance to cold temperatures, is that not true?” her second guest asks. He’s still wearing his coat buttoned, and hasn’t stopped fidgeting with his watch since they entered the lab.

“That is correct,” she answers. “They believed a superior genome was the key to a soldier’s ability to withstand severe temperatures, resilient to inclement weather conditions for long periods of time. But the natural body will only get you so far before you freeze to death.”

“I take it you have something more to show for your efforts?” The tall guest probes.

Dr. Schorr smiled. “Yes, in fact. We do.”


	12. Your investment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finds out what his captors are working on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, all of the bad things that happen in this chapter are implied, but please be warned for non-consensual experiments. I'm going to try and write a chapter for Peggy next, because I think something cute is in order after this.
> 
> Thanks again for reading!

Bucky remembers when he was brave, back when he was small (Steve was smaller) and there was only his best friend to protect. Now he doesn’t feel so brave. He’s freezing; it’s always freezing, and the super strength Zola endowed him with seems to have left him. By now Bucky’s gathered that he’s been captured by Hydra, a branch that’s split away for good from the Nazis. And he knows the experiments have something to do with the cold.

He’s almost asleep, but he hears someone talking on the other side of the cell wall. “We’ve been studying hibernation in mammals, seeing if we can replicate the process in which the heart rate and breathing slow, and both metabolism and body temperature adjust,” the woman says. It’s not unusual for him to hear voices that the others can’t, but Bucky doesn’t let it keep him awake. Now he’s curious, and he shifts closer to the wall.

“Yes, yes, but what have you discovered?” speaks another voice, impatiently.

“I am getting to that. So far we’ve invented a serum that affects heart and breathing rate, attempting to induce a state of hibernation once the subject has entered deep sleep. These experiments have been moderately successful, as will be demonstrated shortly by subject Epsilon-24.”

“Only moderately?” a third voice says timidly. So there are two men in addition to the scientist, Bucky thinks.

“Well,” the woman continues, “the body itself produces less heat during the simulated hibernation. Test subjects are viable for ten minutes inside the chamber, at which point hypothermia begins to set in. Fatality is encountered by most subjects twenty minutes in, all within thirty minutes.”

“But… is this all?” the first man asks.

“We are in the process of making a second injection, which would keep the body’s temperature stable, even in freezing conditions. In tandem with this, we will have a final serum to wake the body up, reversing the effects of our induced hibernation. The ingredients we need are very specific, and very expensive, but your investment in our facility will do much to help us reach our goals.”

Bucky couldn’t sleep now if he wanted to, not now that he understands why the prisoners are being held here, why the bodies come back cold, if they do at all.

“Could you perhaps alter the subject’s genome?” the second man suggests.

“Perhaps,” the woman replies, “but that does not come without risk. Altering one’s DNA has enormous potential for variability in results, dependent on the subject’s personality, prior experiences, and emotional ties.” She pauses. “But now, gentlemen, you are to observe a sample of our work. Please understand that we are still in the process of experimentation.”

Bucky hears a door open, but it’s not in the labs, it’s at the top of the stairwell leading down to their holding cell. He wants to pretend they aren’t here for subject Epsilon-24, to shut his eyes and wake up at home in Brooklyn with Steve. He just wants to go home.

“This her?” one of them calls.

“Yeah, Epsilon-24, that’s her,” the other shouts back. Bucky curls up tighter by the wall when the guards open the cell, feigning sleep. He can’t shut anything out, not the crying, the smell; not the cold.

The footsteps fade as the guards carry the subject out, leaving only the sound of quiet weeping. But it isn’t done, because Bucky still isn’t asleep, and he can hear the scientist on the other side of the wall.

“Hello, dear” he hears the woman say. “Will you be a good little girl and get into the bed for me? If you’re good, the guards will bring you straight back to your Ema… but if you’re a bad girl, and don’t do as I say, I won’t be able to stop the guards from punishing you. Now, tell me, will you be good?”

Bucky covers his ears; he can’t listen to this and he can’t do anything to stop it.

“It’s cold in here,” a little voice says, and it must be the girl. “Can I see my Ema now?”

“Soon, it will only be a few more minutes. Hold still while the technician gives you your medicine. There’s a good girl, it will all be over soon. Now, I’m going to close the lid; it will hurt less if you don’t fidget.”

“Can she hear us inside of there?” one of the men asks.

“Not very well. The flow of oxygen is activated now; you can see the test subject falling asleep as the temperature drops in the chamber. I won’t explain the more technical aspects of the procedure to you, but I would be happy to answer any of your questions.”

Bucky finally turns away from the wall. It’s simply too much.

If only Steve were here, they would have found a way out, a way to save everyone. And if they couldn’t, he knows Steve would have fought to take that little girl’s place.

But Bucky isn’t brave without Steve, and Steve isn’t here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ema is pronounced "ee-mah" and means "mother" in Hebrew, in case anybody had a question about that.


	13. All dressed up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy has a long night that isn't at all what she planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a lot longer to write than I thought it would, but it ends in fluff so hopefully you'll like it! If you've got any comments or suggestions, please let me know.

Peggy stands in front of her bedroom mirror, three different dresses laid out on the bed and a fourth in her hands. Maybe the blue one? She’s tried them on so many times she’s starting to wonder if any of them look good. “This is ridiculous,” Peggy mutters to herself. But this is the third time Alice and her friends have tried to get together with her, and Peggy doesn’t want to screw this up by looking too… she doesn’t even know. That’s really the problem. She thinks she’s going to a club for women who like other women, and she has no idea what anyone expects of her… unless of course she’s read their hints all wrong in which case she’ll have larger problems than what dress she wears. Are they expecting her to dress more masculine? More feminine? Somewhere in between? Just when she thinks she might as well forget the whole thing and call to say she’s not going, someone knocks on her door.

“Just a minute!” she calls. Alice is supposed to come and get her in another twenty minutes, but given how the last two times she was called away to the office, she figures Alice has just come by early. Peggy throws on the blue dress and runs to open the door.

“Hiya Peggy.” It’s not Alice, and her heart sinks. “What’re you doing all dressed up?” Howard asks, swaying in the doorway.

“I have a life, Howard. No, that’s a lie, I don’t have a life. “But I’m trying. Is it work?”

Howard runs a hand through his hair but then stops the motion, as if he’s forgotten what he was doing. “No,” he admits. “Not work.”

“If it’s not work, then I’m going out. I’ll call you a cab to go home.” Peggy grabs his arm to turn him around, and she can smell the alcohol on him. Howard shakes his head vigorously, trying unsuccessfully to swat away Peggy’s arm.

“Can’t. Not… not allowed,” he slurs. “M’ria she… she kicked me out.”

Peggy closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Fine. You can stay here on the couch for a few hours.” She wants to leave him there and go out dancing, stay out late and go back to some girl’s apartment across the city and… but Howard has had too much to drink. Leaving him alone would be irresponsible, and while he deserves the hangover he’s going to get in the morning, as well as Maria’s wrath, she isn’t so terrible a friend as to endanger his safety. “I’ll call up and cancel my plans,” she says, getting him a glass of water. “Drink this, slowly,” she instructs. Peggy walks back to her bedroom and dials Alice’s number.

“Hello?”

“Hi Alice, it’s Peggy.”

“Oh no, don’t tell me it’s work again,” Alice teases. Peggy can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt. How many times can Peggy disappoint Alice before her friend stops inviting her?

“I wish it was work,” she says bitterly. “Work wouldn’t have gotten kicked out of his house because he’s too inebriated to function and then decided my couch would be the perfect place to pass out.” Alice doesn’t respond and Peggy takes a deep breath to calm down. “Sorry, Howard came over, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave him entirely alone. I could call someone else to come get him, but by the time that’s done it would be too late to go out dancing,” Peggy sighs. “I hate to reschedule on you again; I’m starting to wonder if the universe doesn’t want me to have a life outside of the office.”

“No, no it’s fine Peggy,” Alice reassures. “Tell you what. I’ll have the girls come with me over to your place. We can put on a record, bring something to drink, have our own party. And once he’s sobered up you can send Howard back, and you won’t have left him alone. What do you say?”

“That… that sounds so nice, but I can’t ask all of you to cancel your plans just because I’m stuck at home.”

“Well, if they want to go out, then I’ll just come over later.”

“Oh. Sure, I mean thanks. That’s… thanks.” Peggy doesn’t want to get her hopes up, but it’s a nice thought.

An hour later, Howard has consumed enough water that he deems himself fit to go out again to a bar. But Peggy threatens to call Maria, so they compromise on getting him a cab to Dugan’s place. At least Howard is somebody else’s responsibility for tonight. Alice hasn’t called back, and Peggy figures something came up.

Peggy sits on the couch, relaxing in the silence, when the phone rings. “Alice?” she says.

“Oh, I’m sorry, it’s Maria… were you expecting a call? I can hang up, if you’re busy.” Maria’s voice is tight, not her usual soft tones.

“No, no, hi Maria,” Peggy doesn’t expect Alice to come over this late, and she doesn’t really want to talk to Maria but she won’t hang up. “I have a feeling I know what this is about?”

“Did you see him? Is he alright?” Maria asks worriedly.

“Yes, he came over to my place. I made him drink some water and then I got him a cab to Dugan’s house.”

“Good, he should be alright, there… I just… it’s not what I expected when we got married, is all.” Peggy doesn’t say anything, hoping to give Maria space to vent whatever it is she’s been holding in. “I knew he drank sometimes, but I was never around when it happened, and I didn’t think… we’ve been having some trouble, and…”

“It’s alright, it’ll be alright Maria,” Peggy shushes. But it isn’t alright, and she can’t fix it.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to bother you… I just wonder why I’m not enough for him, and I know that’s not a fair question, but… am I not enough?” Maria asks.

“You could leave him,” she blurts, without thinking. Peggy could hate Howard, for what he’s doing to her friend. She shouldn’t have gotten him a cab, she shouldn’t have stayed with him; she should have left him standing outside her apartment to pass out on the street. Because she doesn’t know what to say to Maria that will make a damn bit of difference. “I mean,” she backtracks, “if it, if he… he hasn’t hurt you while he’s…”

“No,” Maria says. “No, we just fight. He spends too much time at work, and when he’s not at work… well, he’s not at home. I’ll be fine, really. I just needed somebody to complain to, and I know we haven’t talked in a while with the wedding and all, but you’ve always been a good friend to me. Thanks.”

“Of course,” Peggy replies, almost automatically.

“Night, Peggy.”

“Good night, Maria.”

Peggy hangs up the phone and goes to sit on her bed. It’s Friday night, so unless there’s an emergency situation she won’t have to go to work in the morning, at least. She can’t fall asleep but it’s already eleven o’clock at night, too late to go out. Peggy stares at the wall and breathes slowly in and out, deciding again not to drive over to Dum Dum’s and teach Howard a lesson in respect. Maria would scold her for that, she thinks, beating someone up while they’re intoxicated. As long as she’s dressed and ready to leave, though, there’s a chance she’ll change her mind. There’s a book on her dresser, but reading doesn’t calm her like action does. Too late for a run, too late for everything… and it didn’t even matter which dress she was wearing.

“Hello?” Somebody calls, knocking at her door. “Peggy, are you still home?” A female voice, sounding a little like Alice, but it wouldn’t be her now.

Peggy grabs her sweater and looks through the door’s peephole. “Alice? What are you doing here so late?” she asks, letting the other woman into the apartment.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be here earlier. I ended up going out with the other girls, but they wanted to stay a while longer and I thought you might still be awake…”

“Yeah, I’m still awake. Couldn’t sleep; still not sure I can.”

“I could keep you company,” Alice says, glancing around the apartment. “I did tell you we’d have our own party if you couldn’t go out, didn’t I?”

“Yes, I suppose you did. Not that this will be much of a party... I’ve got some records in the cabinet there.” Peggy stands awkwardly, clicking her heels together. She isn’t good at small talk when she’s anxious. “So how was the rest of your night?”

Alice picks out a record and hums along as the music starts. “It was fine… didn’t really find anyone I wanted to go home with, though. I’d rather wait for the right person.”

“Oh,” Peggy nods, at a loss to say anything more. She remembers Steve telling her something like that, but she can’t remember what.

“What is it?” Alice asks. “You look a little… lost.”

“I’m alright, sorry. Just thinking too much.” It’s not terribly far from the truth, at least.

“Want to tell me?” She looks so earnest that Peggy almost accepts, but so much has happened in the last few hours that all she really wants to do is to get her mind off things.

“No, not right now. Maybe… later?”

“Sure, alright.” Peggy moves to sit on the couch but Alice walks over and takes her hands, instead. “Want to lead, or shall I?” she says, smiling.

“What… which do you prefer?” Peggy ought to send her home, try to go to bed. It’s dark, and they’re too close. “I won’t mind if you lead, if that’s alright.”

“It is.” The tempo picks up, and Alice twirls Peggy around. She laughs as she spins Peggy back into her arms, but closer this time, close enough that Peggy can feel her breath on her cheek. They dance like that until the song ends, and static is the only sound coming from the record player.

“I suppose we should say goodnight,” Peggy says reluctantly.

“I suppose,” Alice echoes. But instead of taking her arms from Peggy’s back, she rests them lower, fingers making deliberate circles around her spine. “To be honest,” she admits, “the girls would have come over here with me. But I told them… I wanted you to myself tonight.”

“That’s… oh, I… yes?” Peggy thinks she understands, but she can’t help but worry she’s read Alice all wrong, that this is still nothing more than a gesture of friendship. It was a mistake, she thinks, getting attached again.

But apparently that was the right thing to say, because Alice kisses her, the slightest brush of lips on hers. “Was that alright?” Alice asks.

“Yes,” she says, finally finding her voice. “More than alright.”

Alice kisses her again, and this time, she kisses back.


	14. An empty prayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky struggles with faith.

Bucky hears quiet voices coming from the other side of the cell. Subject Epsilon-24 was brought back with severe frostbite. The girl slept two hours before her heart stopped, but it’s not as if anybody expected she would make it through the night. There is nothing to cover her body with, and the guards will only take the remains away when they notice the smell. He still doesn’t know her name; Bucky is nothing more than letters and numbers but she shouldn’t be, not yet.

“What are they saying?” Bucky asks Yosef, the man who’d first spoken to him upon his arrival. He’s not sure if it’s morning or night when they have no windows to the outside. The prisoners try to keep a regular schedule by the timing of the guards’ shifts, and by how quickly the candles in the hallway burn, but even their best guess could be off by hours.

Yosef sighs and closes his eyes briefly. “They are praying.”

Bucky shifts, feeling awkward. “Oh,” he says. He doesn’t really do prayer, hasn’t since he was little and thought God was somebody who would listen. Steve would still make him go to church when they got older, but by then Bucky didn’t mean it.

“The girl… she did not make it. Her family is in mourning.”

“I’m sorry.” He really is. Bucky wants to say something… I should have, I could have, but nothing sounds right. “Is that sort of like the last rites?” he asks instead.

“No, not much. It is the mourner’s kaddish,” the man explains. “The prayer is a reaffirmation of our faith, meant to sustain us in our darkest moments.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything for a minute. How can they rely on faith now? He asks Yosef.

“Our faith does not rely on things making sense, for there is much in this world that we will never understand.”

“Sometimes…” Bucky hesitates. This is why he doesn’t like talking about god, or prayer, or religion – people tend to expect you to agree with them. 

“But faith does not mean never asking questions, especially of those things we cannot understand.”

“I guess… sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to give up.”

“It would be,” he answers. “In the camps… my brother and I were among the strongest. We collected bodies for the crematorium. Death surrounded us, so much so that we did not feel as if we were among the living.”

“I can’t really imagine surviving that,” Bucky says, “even with faith.”

“We did not. My brother died after only two months.” Yosef pauses again. “It… I cannot tell you what strong desire I felt to take revenge. But how could I? My own life was in their hands; I was a prisoner. And so I prayed, every night. I prayed for death, that I might not wake to see the morning.” He touched his forehead in thought. “I knew my brother would have been angered to hear those prayers, but for many days it was my only solace.”

“I… think I understand,” Bucky adds.

“But I had forgotten… after all that time. I had forgotten that I could pray to be free.” Yosef put a hand to his eyes, to keep them from tearing up. “If I was going to ask God for something,” he continued, “if I could ask for anything, I could ask to be set free…”

“Steve would like that story,” Bucky says quietly.

“Ah.” Yosef shifts closer, placing a calloused hand on Bucky’s forearm. “You have lost someone?”

Bucky simply nods.

“You were close?”

“Yes,” he says. He’s afraid to say more, because he trusts Yosef, maybe too much... trusts him almost enough to tell him the truth, so maybe someone will remember what they were to each other. “He was…” like a brother, but not quite. “We grew up together.”

“Come, then,” Yosef says, holding his hand out to Bucky. “I will teach you the prayer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started doing some research about the Holocaust, and ended up using part of this story: www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/332498/jewish/A-Rebbes-Confession.htm
> 
> I only used a part of the story, but I wanted to make sure I was giving appropriate credit.
> 
> Please leave me questions, comments, or suggestions!


	15. My dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short bit of fluff for Alice and Peggy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! If anyone is still reading, after it's been so long since I've posted the last chapter, thanks for sticking with this. I've had a bunch of things come up in the last month or so - some of them good, some not so good - so I've mostly been reading in my spare time, rather than writing. I do have a couple of chapters in draft form, though! And one or two drafts for chapters much later on in the timeline, but I'm hesitant to skip around quite so much.
> 
> As always, please let me know what you think, and if you've got any ideas or random thoughts you'd like to share.

It’s still dark outside, and quiet.

Peggy isn’t quite awake yet; her body is used to rising when the sun does, but she’s half an hour too early for that. The stars are still out, and the street-lamps cast a weak light onto the street outside. She feels someone’s arms around her middle. Immediately her body is alert, and Peggy automatically reaches for her gun. But… it’s not there, she isn’t still at war, she’s not out in the field looking for Hydra. The arm, she realizes, as she begins to focus on the present, belongs to Alice.

Peggy shuts her eyes, trying to will away the initial spike of adrenaline, but it usually takes a few minutes for her pulse to return to normal. She hasn’t woken up like this for some time. Hasn’t told anybody either, figures it will go away with time.

Alice begins to stir, and Peggy turns in her arms so they’re facing each other. Her eyes open halfway, and then close again. “S’not morning yet, is it?” Alice mutters.

“No, not just yet… I didn’t mean to wake you,” Peggy apologizes.

“M’kay.” Alice snuggles closer, nestling into Peggy’s shoulder. The domesticity of the moment is strange, and Peggy isn’t sure how she feels about Alice’s clear disregard for her personal space.

Alice senses Peggy’s restlessness. “Something wrong?”

“Oh, nothing’s wrong, go back to sleep,” she whispers soothingly. 

“Mhmm,” Alice sighs and presses a kiss to her shoulder.

“That’s nice,” Peggy says, so Alice does it again. “I thought you were asleep, my dear.”

Alice nips at her ear in answer. “I like that… ‘my dear.’ Was asleep, but… I think I could be tempted to wake up.”

“Could you now?” Peggy shifts down the pillow until she’s facing Alice. She kisses her, slowly wrapping her arms around Alice and pressing their bodies together, lazy relaxation from sleep turning into arousal.

Her hands slip under the covers and she touches Alice, the way she did last night, fingers brushing lightly over her body to tease, then firmer caresses, drawing out little noises of satisfaction. But Alice stays her hands before they can reach too far down. Peggy furrows her eyebrows, thinking she’s done something wrong, but Alice is still smiling. Alice pushes her, so Peggy is leaning back against the pillows, and shifts on top to kiss her. Peggy doesn’t know what to do with her hands, so she settles them in Alice’s hair, massaging her scalp absentmindedly while Alice distracts her with kisses.

“Should have asked you sooner,” Alice whispers between kisses. “…could have been doing this the last couple of months, instead of dancing around each other.”

“Mmm, maybe,” Peggy answers. “But… we wouldn’t have had this… lovely morning to ourselves.”

“No, I suppose not. Lovely, is it, dear?”

Yes, Peggy thinks, it is. This morning, like everything else about her friendship with Alice, is new, and she still feels strange that someone wants to be with her like this, in such an intimate way, but it’s good, it’s nice.

“I’m glad it was nice,” Alice teases, and Peggy wonders how much of that she’s spoken out loud.

“Best morning I’ve had in quite a while,” Peggy replies. “Possibly ever.”


	16. Getting results

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, I have the next chapter up! The next one is really short, so I'll probably just post it right after this.
> 
> Thanks again for reading : )

Peggy walks into the office early Monday morning, briefcase in hand and perfectly put together. Maria used to tease her for always getting here so early, but Peggy finds it soothing to start work when the building is mostly empty. Something about the stillness and the early morning light, combined with the smell of coffee brewing down the hall from her office, strikes her as tranquil. Peggy is flying out with her team later on a mission, so she likes to gather small moments of peace, to appreciate the contrast between quiet and the action she craves. She keeps almost touching her fingers to her lips, still sensitive from the day before, a reminder of Alice’s kisses. Peggy can’t, though, unless she wants to invite questions about her personal life she’d really rather not answer.

Maybe she and Alice should have agreed on a story, in case the same person asks them about what they were up to over the weekend. Clashing descriptions would be more suspicious than admitting to having seen each other Friday night... is she being too paranoid? At the very least, Peggy decides, this is a second cup of coffee kind of question.

“Morning,” someone calls to her from the other end of the hallway. She turns just enough to be polite, and waves, not bothering to see who else is in. Peggy told Alice it would be a good idea to take things slow, because this is her first… anything, really, but if the next few weeks are anything like yesterday, she has a feeling she’s going to regret her words.

It had taken her a while to realize she loved Steve, back during the war. Peggy cared about him, but she couldn’t give him what he needed: a reason to survive. She hadn’t been able to find a way for Steve to avoid crashing the plane, and she’d let him down. He’d always looked out for what was right, protecting those who couldn’t fight for themselves, but she couldn’t bring back that spark of defiance and cheek.

If she thinks about Steve too much she’ll have to accept that he’s really gone.

A small part of her thought that if she loved Steve, then maybe she could push herself away from her feelings towards other women. In retrospect that was nonsense – the things she feels for Alice are nothing like what she felt for Steve. With Alice she gets butterflies, and adrenaline rush, feeling nervous and giddy all at once.

“Peggy, good, you’re here,” Howard steps into her office.

“What?” Peggy asks. She mentally scolds herself for getting distracted, wondering for a second if Howard knows anything about her and Alice.

“We’ve got a new recruit. She’s a scientist from Hydra, just decided to come over to our side. Made it through most of the interview process, but says that while I’m there she’d feel more comfortable with a female employee in the room. Can’t imagine why, I’m perfectly charming.”

“Yes, you’re perfectly charming to people who don’t know you,” Peggy retorts.

“Alright, I deserved that, but can’t we let bygones be bygones? Maria forgave me; did I forget to mention that?”

“Maria has a more forgiving nature – how lucky for you.” She turns her chair around and pretends to busy herself with papers.

“Fine, fine, but will you go talk to what’s her face? Also can you promise not to kill her? I’d kind of like to keep her around for our research.”

“I’ll do my best,” she sighs.

She and Howard walk to the interview rooms without conversation. Peggy hasn’t gotten to that second cup of coffee yet, and she’s in no mood to hear excuses from Stark or why it is Maria thought fit to accept his apology. If he ever really made one, that is.

The interview room itself was sparse, several little rooms all in a row, each with a table and four wooden chairs. Some of them had a tape recorder or a phone, others, nothing at all. The scientist was in one of these latter rooms, and she sat neatly perched on the edge of her chair.

“You ready?” Howard asks, breaking the silence.

“Of course,” Peggy scoffs. “Am I ever not?”

The woman laughs mockingly when she sees Peggy enter behind Howard. “Did you bring coffee with you?”

“No, I have my secretary do that,” Peggy replies, sitting in the chair directly across from the scientist. Howard stands by the door, engaged but at a respective distance.

“I’m impressed,” she says, turning to Howard. “I thought for sure you would have to bring in a typing girl.”

“Nope, this here’s our best.”

Peggy clears her throat to bring the attention back to her. “I’ve made a promise to Mr. Stark that I won’t kill you simply because you’re Hydra, but I haven’t made any agreements to take you on to our team. So I’ll ask you just once – why should we trust you?”

The woman smiles, “You probably shouldn’t. But I’m smart, and I have information.” Peggy’s accusative expression doesn’t change, and the woman puts up her hands in defeat. “Fine, you would like to know why I’m here?” Peggy and Howard shake their heads no. “I was fired. My experiments weren’t moving quickly enough, I wasn’t getting the results leadership needed.”

Peggy still doesn’t respond, and lets the silence compel the woman to keep talking.

“I’d only just been making progress with my hibernation study,” she explains, “and instead they wanted to poke at the brain. See what other stresses the body can take, see how far you can push someone mentally before they break. They wanted to run experiments with memory, with personality… all the ways to create a perfectly obedient super soldier.”

“So, am I to understand that you left because they wouldn’t let you run your little experiments?” The woman tries to cut her off but Peggy won’t let her. “Not because you had any problem with their methods? Did you have any qualms with using people’s bodies without their consent, like flies or rats that can simply be exterminated?”

“No, people are not like flies or rats,” the woman answers calmly. “That is why they are such fragile subjects.”

“But still subjects,” Peggy presses.

“You may not like it, but yes, I’m here because I was conducting scientific experiments. Pure science, and they wanted to escalate. What they’re doing, it’s like throwing a random sample of chemicals into a cooking pot, to see what will happen. They wouldn’t listen to me, and they didn’t like that a woman was telling them what to do.”

Peggy sees the manipulation for what it is, but that doesn’t make it hit any less true. She hates that it resonates with her, but it does. “I see.”

“Subject alpha-147 was the… I believe your phrase is ‘the last straw’? I wanted them to wait before experimenting on him.”

“And why would that be?” Howard asks, before Peggy can say anything cruel.

“He was an extraordinary subject… superior strength and immune system, I believe our team found him lying in the snow unconscious. We honestly thought he was dead, but he had a pulse so we kept him. Took about a week for him to wake up, but when he did, there were only minor injuries. Management is convinced he’ll be the prototype for their new soldiers, but they don’t seem to understand that if they kill him, that’s it. Humans aren’t like flies, Ms. Carter. You can’t simply order a replica.”

“And so after they fired you from Hydra, you thought you could just waltz in here and expect us to provide you with employment?”

The woman at least has the good grace to look away. “I am simply trying to continue my work as a scientist – ”

Peggy slams her palm on the table. “Who has no better morals than the demons she works for,” she cuts the woman off. “You may have left Hydra on poor terms but you volunteered for them, and you had no qualms about using the subjects provided to you.”

“I was told that SHIELD has employed other scientists, former Hydra and Nazi scientists, with much less… interview,” she says, turning to Howard, but Peggy stands up to block her view of him.

“Yes, well, I wasn’t the ones interviewing them, and you did specifically ask to speak to a woman.”

“Perhaps that was a mistake. I should have known another woman would feel threatened by me.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s so much easier, isn’t it, to make me into a villain so you can be the hero. As a woman in a company of men, you can get ahead because you are the exception. I understand, Ms. Carter, that another woman can be more competition than camaraderie, because after all, there can be only one exception.”

Peggy scoffs, but stays silent, allowing the woman to continue.

“But all I am is a scientist. I conduct experiments with the materials provided to me. Nothing more, nothing less… are not your ethics dependent on the mission at hand? What makes you morally superior? Who makes our rules? You act on the moral relativism of your superiors, as do I. There is not such a wide gap between us as you would make it seem.”

Peggy doesn’t have a quip for that. “You ought to watch your tone,” she says darkly.

“Peggy,” Howard interjects, trying too late to de-escalate the situation, “Dr. Schorr has passed most of the background checks already. Doesn’t keep in contact with her former colleagues, isn’t going to run off to Hydra if they change their minds and decide they want her back.”

“Fine, Stark, you can run her through the protocols. Just make sure you put her someplace where she doesn’t have access to human subjects.” She turns back to the woman. “I’ll be keeping an eye on you.”

The scientist holds her gaze. “I wouldn’t expect any less.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been thinking a bit about the personality dynamics of being a woman in a male-dominated field, and what that means for the other women at SHIELD. Something I've noticed in movies (unless it's specifically marketed to women) is that there is *one* woman in a team of men, and that woman usually is not the hero/central character.
> 
> Peggy, Natasha, Lady Sif, Pepper, Raven/Mystique, whoever that girl was in Guardians of the Galaxy (sorry, I haven't seen it), Uhura (and even then I feel like most of her screen time is used to portray her as love interest)... even Collette (Ratatouille) and they're "unique" because they're succeeding where most women don't, but I feel like that reinforces the thinking that most women still can't/shouldn't be able to succeed in those roles.
> 
> I'm not saying there aren't movies, or shows, that don't do this. Please, share your favorite, or your worst offender. Or let me know if you think I'm completely off base altogether. Or, you know, tell me that I should stop procrastinating and get back to writing : P


	17. The asset

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, this one focusing on Bucky. Please please leave comments, and let me know if there are characters you want to see more/less of.

Bucky’s woken up with a jolt. “Yosef? Is that you?”

There are voices, hushed in the background, and he isn’t sure where he is. A bed? It’s too soft for him to be on the floor, but it feels like plastic under his fingers, rather than fabric.

“Yosef is dead,” one of the voices tells him.

Buck tries to shake his head, but the room spins and he has to stop. “I was just talking to him.”

“You are mistaken,” he hears. “Yosef is dead. You killed him yesterday.”

His head feel heavy, and his body sluggish, as if he’s got the flu. He can’t remember what happened, and the harder he tries, the more it evades him.

“Why?” Bucky asks.

“He was dangerous.”

“Dangerous?” He doesn’t think Yosef was dangerous, but then, there’s not much to go on. All he remembers is Yosef, waking him up, snippets of conversation, words in a language he doesn’t understand. Was he dangerous?

“Yes, now you must sleep. You have done well. Your Captain would be proud.”

Captain. If he focuses on the word, Bucky feels… 

 

..empty.

“Who’s the Captain?”


End file.
